This Just In
Somebody hold that tiger!

First of all, in Tiger Woods’ defense, there are women all over America whom he hasn’t slept with. And noted naturalist, Dr. Sigfried Schwartz, reminds us that promiscuity is rampant throughout nature, especially on Friday nights at Days Inns.

Also, according to Dr. Rexford Tugwell, lead anthropologist at Mario’s School of High Tech Medicine and Hair Design, 114 percent of American men are not to be trusted. This is supported by a National Opinion Research poll of 3,000 American adult males that revealed they aren’t actually bowling on Tuesdays.

Said one behaviorist, “The whole thing is understandable – Tiger thought of his exploits as bonding.” However, the lead sexologist at the University of Copenhagen maintains that bonding during the same period with seven models, nine waitresses, and two flight attendants is neither possible nor sensible. He further observed that, as a species, we’ve been around for a half-million years and still are looking for ways to have fun without getting caught.

Parenthetically, it is estimated that if all of the women intimate with Tiger during his career were stretched out head to toe and placed end to end, they would span a distance of 800 feet, the height of the Pan Am Building in New York City.

But setting aside his personal life, the question becomes: Is his behavior detrimental to his career? And the answer is: Not unless he breaks a leg at it. On the positive side, Tiger’s peccadilloes have created more than a dozen new female authors.

Tiger can at least be respected for setting the record straight, which he did at his news conference held in downtown Philadelphia, the location selected after his attorney vetoed The Shady Lady Lounge in East St. Louis. With people from the media banned, those on hand included a refrigerator repairman, the parking lot attendant, a dentist, the owner of a drive-in movie theater, a Best Western desk clerk, Warren Beatty’s biographer, and a British clock maker. When reached in Haiti for a reaction, John Edwards said the baby was not his.

Simultaneously on the legal front, Tiger’s lawyers were taking on Viagra’s pharmaceutical manufacturer, claiming that though the label advises medical attention for an erection lasting more than four hours, nothing is mentioned about one lasting four years.

So was Tiger promiscuous or befuddled by multiple choice? A recent study published in the Juarez Medical Journal shows that the more often a person has sex, the happier he or she is, explaining Tiger’s round-the-clock effusive giddiness no matter what the circumstance.

According to reports, Tiger entered a sex therapy clinic at an undisclosed location in the state of Mississippi said to be a five-hour drive from the nearest Hooters. His diagnosis upon arrival: hyperactive sexual desire difficult to satisfy in a socially acceptable manner. Or more commonly known as acute can’t-get-enough syndrome.

First, a bit of background for those few readers who have no idea what goes on at a sex rehabilitation center. (Where have you been for goodness sake?) Their slogan: “Offering hope for the hormonally over-endowed.”

Imagine a western dude ranch: resort trappings, designer decor, soft music, quiet ceiling fans. An ambiance meant for cooling off – detox digs. Library shelves of benign reading the likes of Charlotte’s Web and The Cat in the Hat. Available for free time enjoyment: Lego toys.

Sexual overachievers come here for biological rewiring and leave with their sex drive repurposed. Were it an auto repair shop, you’d say they were re-engineering your drive-train.

Turning over a new leaf begins for Tiger with discarding all disguise paraphernalia – e.g., the paste-on mustache, Elvis sideburns, the detachable ponytail, and the UPS driver’s uniform.

Among the clinic’s staff specialists are a sex therapist, a relationship therapist and a sneaking-around therapist. Reprogramming starts with learning certain commands. Take for instance, treatment for over-response to visual stimuli. A Dallas Cowboys cheerleader is projected onto a screen life-size, followed by a stern-voiced, “No, no, Tiger!” and, “Bad, Tiger.” When he stops panting, he’s given a treat.

In a more advanced class, he is allowed to circulate among skimpily clad female staffers. The counselor then says, “Stay, Tiger.” Or if necessary, “Down, Tiger.” (This is preferable to “Leave that stuff alone, Tiger.”) Again, afterward, he gets praise and a treat.

Typical classes include attitude adjustment (because they say “yes” isn’t enough); introduction to the one man, one woman concept; and how to keep innocent social interaction innocent. Such coursework supports the premise that a vast majority of memorable events involving women occur when they have their clothes on. Afternoons sometimes include visits to a petting farm. Here patients are monitored by video cameras for especially friendly overtures.

Things were looking bright for Tiger until he failed the final exam question: What would you rather be doing right now than anything else? His response had something to do with the clinic’s young receptionist.

Fred Gehrung is a freelance writer who lives in the Marina. Fred has written features and humor for newspapers, including the Chicago Tribune, USA Today, The Boston Globe, and The New York Times. E-mail: [email protected]