THIS JUST IN
How to achieve your inner lean machine

Change your body, change your life, with tips from Dr. Fitness himself. Today’s column offers hope to the shape-impaired from the legendary fitness guru.

Dear Dr. Fitness:
Physically, I’m what you’d call diminutive, lacking athletic ability – plus I’m pretty nervous. My next-door neighbor, a construction worker with thick shoulders and hands big as doorknockers, thinks it’s hilarious to sneak up and scare the daylights out of me. Can you give me a list of bodybuilding exercises that will enable me to bust his head?
– Twerpy

Dear Twerpy: You’ve come to the right renowned fitness guru. My three-part bodybuilding program begins with small steps, as follows: for weight training, switch to a heavier TV remote; for cardio exercise, I recommend shuffling cards. Good form is important. Shoulders back, upper body balanced, head centered between shoulders. Part three, flexibility, features the Dr. Fitness triangle trunk stretch. Sit with your legs out straight and place your feet against a wall. Now lean forward and touch your head to your right knee. Now put your left hand into your right-hand pocket. Now bring your right hand behind your back and grasp your left shoulder. Now bring your other knee up to your ear. Now have someone take your photo and send it to me. My wife says this can’t be done.

Dear Dr. Fitness:
I’m an 87-year-old great-grandmother and I want to be able to play tennis with my great-grandkids, but I’ve never picked up a tennis racket, much less worked out. The first match is Saturday. I’m willing to do whatever it takes.
– Loretta

Dear Loretta: This means we’re going to have to compact my six-month body rehab program into six days. Per day, this works out to five hours of rope jumping, 1,742 jumping jacks, and 1,940 push ups. But this is a rough calculation. Be sure to hydrate. This program will raise your exertion tolerance, increase your cardiovascular capacity, or change your mind.

Dear Dr. Fitness:
My golf swing is exceptional except for distance and accuracy. Being a perfectionist, I’m unwilling to abide even these minor glitches. I’ll do whatever it takes to achieve perfection.
– Determined

Dear Determined: The key is to achieve distance and accuracy through all 18 holes, as opposed to, say, holes 3, 7 and 14. To maximize your swing, increase flexibility in your muscles, strengthen your joints, hips, trunk, and shoulders, build sturdy wrists and powerful forearms plus the right posture and balance, I recommend a breakfast of oatmeal with raisins. Also, you are no doubt turning your shoulders too much to compensate for a stiff lower back and an imbalance in your musculature. (Either that or you’re awkward.) Try more roughage in your diet. Sprinkle bran on everything including your 3-wood and your 9-iron.

Dear Dr. Fitness:
My work as an exorcist has me out at all hours and allows no time to get to a gym, and I can’t afford a personal trainer. Can you advise me on creating a mini-gym in my shared dorm room?
– Father Marvin

Dear Father Marvin: You can set up your own mini-gym using inexpensive, everyday items around the house: e.g., towels, chairs, the refrigerator (for advanced weight training). Take lateral shoulder raises for example. In each hand, grasp a 30-ounce jar of Polish sauerkraut and slowly lift them outward from thigh to shoulder level. (This also can be done with Ragu spaghetti sauce.) Or hook a bungee cord around a door knob. Step away as far as cord permits and stand facing the knob with arms fully outstretched until the phone rings.

Diet also is important to optimal fitness. I recommend optimal eating combined with optimal exercise. Go ahead and enjoy the triple bacon, avocado cheeseburger, so long as you follow up with a concomitant amount of roadwork. After lunch, walk to Cincinnati.

Dear Dr. Fitness:
I’m the sartorial type. For me, the gym is a fashion destination. What’s your take on designer workout threads?
– Passion for Fashion

Dear Passion for Fashion: Start with high-definition briefs that keep the bulge where it belongs and provide cheek cleavage for attitude. We’re talking a saucy cut to accommodate your constituent parts – trim, but not constricting, so you don’t wind up with things getting pinched and twisted. For color, I recommend candied apple. Whoa, you probably shouldn’t wear these without a chaperone!

Second, while people make a big to-do over athletic shoes, shorts and helmets, I believe it’s all about socks. I personally opt for cut-to-the-chase socks, socks for the lithe and agile, socks for fast drivers. Smart, breathable socks with shock-muffling, waterproof bottoms in case you forget your shoes. They’ll stop and stare when you do your squats in a pair of handsome knee-high argyles, richly textured to make you feel rebellious, yet quietly complex, hip and energized.

Dear Dr. Fitness:
My problem is my low boredom threshold. Ten minutes into a workout, my eyelids feel heavy and I’m snoring on the rowing machine. People have found me zonked on the inversion bench. Should I attribute this to the wearisome repetition of stultifying rhythmic exercise? What am I missing?
– Low Key

Dear Low Key: Maintaining motivation is imperative. For instance, to overcome jogger’s ennui, achieve stimulation, maximize performance, and add drama to ho-hum exertion, I recommend giving the immense truck driver seated in the booth across from you at Mel’s Drive-In “the bird.”

Fred Gehrung is a freelance writer who lives in the Marina. Fred has written features and humor for the Chicago Tribune, USA Today, The Boston Globe, and The New York Times. E-mail: [email protected]