Just between us, after my recent treatise on champion golfer Tiger Woods in this publication, the switchboard lit up. Frustrated champions across the sports spectrum wanted to know why their success hasn’t produced Tiger’s level of efficacy (shall we say) with the opposite sex. Isn’t being a champion all it takes, they want to know.

Typical caller: “I won the Ironman Marathon last month and still go home alone on Saturday nights, even when I’m wearing my lucky underwear.” And this one from far-off Nepal: “Since winning the elephant polo championship, I’ve been on every front page in Kathmandu, but all I ever bring home is the bacon.”

I tell these champions there’s more to turning on the opposite sex than shooting a 66. The successful approach to women is a matter of managed interaction. Then I go into my successful seduction techniques, the keys to the kingdom as it were – life-changing insights into picking up Nadine. We’re talking the right look, the right words, the right smile, right down to the right socks.
To start with, slip on a black turtleneck. Wear this together with a supersensitive expression. Look a bit tortured, as though you just finished writing Dr. Zhivago and may have only a month to live. (Your medical test results have been waiting in the mailbox, but nothing was getting in the way of that final chapter.) Perfect.

Successful interaction begins with saying the exact right thing. If you do, believe me, you can do some serious damage. Step one: Catch her off guard. Ask her if she’d like to go paint some pottery. This will distinguish you. You will be the only person that asked her for that kind of date all day. (Unless somebody else reads this column.)

Now you need to get her used to being with you in multiple locations. Go for a drive and stop at a carwash, then hit the Whole Foods juice bar, poke around at Payless Shoes, and tour the Richmond recycling center. Cap the day off at Mel’s Drive-In. She’ll be expecting some pressure. Surprise her by sending her home in a cab. Then wait to call her for a couple of months. This may not go well at first.

Because there’s something particularly appealing to most women about musicians, I sometimes recommend taking along a musical instrument when cruising. Say it’s Friday night, and you’re standing at your favorite Fillmore bar with an accordion. When somebody asks, say you’re looking for people to join your band. With this cover, you can approach just about anyone there. Ask the woman of your choice if she can sing. Because she may say yes, it’s best if you can actually play the instrument. Otherwise, have your hand in a cast.

Taking a different scenario, say you belly up to the bar at Eastside West. There sits this strudel. Go slow. Make eye contact. If you can’t bring yourself to talk to her, I recommend pointing at your Adam’s apple and mouthing the words, “I’ve lost my voice – my name is Dexter.” She will try to understand your questions. (Have you been here before? What is your name? Where are you from?) When she gets your question right, high-five her. Women appreciate such reinforcement.

An essential make-out ingredient is persistence. Say she tells you to buzz off or she’ll call a cop. Now your persistence must click in. Totally ignore her threat. This will either bring her around or get you arrested as a stalker. Remember that we learn from our negative experiences.

But let’s say she smiles your way. You ask her where she’s from and she says a logging camp up north. You tell her that is so cool, compliment her on her tattoo, and offer to buy her a drink. Don’t be overly smooth. Fumble a bit. Maybe some foot shuffling. It’s endearing. Just don’t overdo it. Nobody likes a clumsy ox.

I highly recommend that you create a story to tell about yourself. Base it on an actual life experience, as opposed to pure fabrication. It’s best to have real facts to pull from rather than, say, your days as a sea captain. But if that’s working, add details like how big the waves were when your schooner went down.
Better yet, think of some tournament or competition that you’ve been in and tell her you won, e.g., shooting baskets on a skateboard. Say your friends said that you were amazing, but you know it was just luck. Modesty goes over big. When she congratulates you, act embarrassed. This makes you sweet, even harmless. Now reel her in.

Bring up caring for your parents. If you have this quality, she will see you as different. You will be told you aren’t like other guys. Stop her there! Tell her you’ve done things you don’t want to talk about. Shake your head, then look away. (Count to 14.) It’s now time to tell her you’re not out looking for just a girlfriend. You want to find The One. This is extremely powerful, and she will buy the next drink.

A common problem is running out of things to say, but this is when you become the quiet type – inscrutable, a mystery wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in L.L. Bean. It’s amazing how long you can sit there without saying anything and make headway. Eventually, with a world-weary shrug, say something worthwhile, like, “I hear insurance companies no longer can turn us down for pre-existing conditions.” No! Try, “This is so different … I feel as if we’ve known each other for ages.”
Now she’s thinking, “Are you the real deal or a scam artist?”

This is when you ask her if she believes in being spontaneous. Ask if she ever does anything on the spur of the moment because it just feels right. If she says yes, say you’ll race her to the parking lot. No! Say, “Could that include having dinner with a strange man?” If this doesn’t do it, start carrying a cute puppy.

Fred Gehrung is a freelance writer who lives in the Marina. Fred has written features and humor for newspapers, including the Chicago Tribune, USA Today, The Boston Globe, and The New York Times. E-mail: [email protected]