Hope for Hypochondriacs
A major drug manufacturer has announced a new side effect for which it hopes to have a drug before year’s end. In a related story, tests are underway on a pill that will keep hypochondriacs from thinking they’re sick. Since the pill is merely cornstarch, a side effect for those taking it who are really ill could be their demise.

Maybe There’s Another Way
To avoid a major form of identity theft – cases where one’s identity is stolen as the result of an obituary appearing in a newspaper – the widow of Harvey Stovemaker, Carson, Miss., ran his obit under the name Lester Ivonovich.

Aversion Therapy Backfires
Aversion therapy is being tried on alcoholics with mixed results. Researchers at the Lupowitz Institute in Dexter, Ga., reported mixed success with releasing a bad odor whenever someone wishes to take a drink. A patient was sighted at the nearby Peek-a-Boo Lounge with what appeared to be a tractor seat.

Viagra, the New Steroid
Dr. Winchell Rexford III of the Human Performance Academy, Ascot, England, reports on studies indicating Viagra’s ability to provide oxygenated fuel to the muscles, allowing athletes to compete at high altitudes with sea level aerobic capacity. However, a recent demonstration ended in disappointment when a Norwegian ski jumper was unable to exit the gondola.

Appearing Soon in your Hammacher Schlemmer Catalog
America’s longest running catalog, produced by Hammacher Schlemmer, will feature in its next edition a new TV remote that allows you to Taser shock the person on the screen. Also new in the catalog will be a flashlight that shines only on things worth looking at.

Miracle Mosquito Repellant: Frog Sweat
Australian researchers who have found frog sweat to repel mosquitoes say the hard part is keeping the frogs on the stair steppers. In a related story, other Australian entomologists have developed a nonpoisonous roach powder that does not kill the roach but inflicts it with self-doubt.

Jackson Hole Putrid Prose Contest Stinks Up the Place
A writer noted for little talent and no taste has penned the worst simile in this year’s Jackson Hole Putrid Prose contest: “The rising sun slithered across the hot barren terrain like grease on a Denny’s grill, but only until eleven o’clock when they switch to the lunch menu.”

Senior “Memory Walk” Proves Its Point
Of the 42 senior citizens who began last Sunday’s annual March for Memory in Unrefined, Texas, 14 turned up at the finish line. Of the remainder, eight were found at Wal-Mart, five at a movie matinee, three got haircuts, nine were retrieved from a Dunkin Donuts, two went bowling, and one was discovered directing traffic.

Hope for Union Street
Rumored prospective businesses for Union Street vacancies, which the owners believe can return Union to its glory days, include a “faux fur, wind chimes and occupational therapy” salon; a “body painting and alternative cures”  boutique; and a wedding chapel.

Sex Trumps Jogging
A newly completed, 20-year study by the Mayo Clinic of 17,000 Harvard University male alumni indicates that having sex is preferred to taking a four-mile daily jog. “While further confirmation is required, we have reason to believe we’re on to something,” said Dr. Felix Barnlittle, the study’s originator.

In a related story, cardiologists at New York’s Fourth Street Clinic for Family Health Care and Plumbing Supplies report that cholesterol-lowering drugs likewise reduce libido. “Nevertheless, these drugs save lives, and I take them myself,” said Dr. Helmut Kitchmeyer, who shakes hands with his wife nightly before retiring.

Fred Gehrung is a freelance writer who lives in the Marina. Fred has written features and humor for The Boston Globe, Chicago Tribune, USA Today, and The New York Times. E-mail: [email protected]