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If snoring persists, call your plumber!

Dear Dr. Fred: The other night, I dreamt a tugboat was lodged on our roof signaling for help. That’s how it goes, sleeping with Thunder Mug – toots, then growls and moans, some thunder, maybe a chainsaw, a little jack hammering, then the flatbed runs over the manhole cover, and assorted seismic activity. Mornings I drag myself out of bed exhausted, hardly able to dress. My husband claims it’s just me having bad dreams. Your advice?
– Desperate for silence, Hazel

Dear Hazel: The medical term for what you’re enduring is “awful experience.” Normally, I identify a series of treatment options tailored to the patient’s bank account. Sorry! Make that tailored to the patient’s unique physiological and psychological makeup. Near term, you have two options:

  1. At bedtime, administer a laxative to the perpetrator, tripling the prescribed dose. This will have no effect on his snoring, but nobody can do two things at once.
  2. After he’s asleep, insert an object best described as “foreign” into his mouth. I recommend a wad of whole wheat fettuccine garnished with capons.

Dear Dr. Fred: My husband is not happy unless he is emitting something from somewhere. At night, it’s snoring. The Queen Mary docks about midnight. Then comes a long train whistle. Some nights, it’s a Nor’easter in the bedroom. Or the Battle of Britain. Every night it’s shock and awe. Plus he thrashes around and swings his fists. Some mornings I’m black and blue, for which he apologizes, but I’m black and blue nevertheless. Help me out!
– Cassandra in Akron

Dear Cassandra: Though these snores may seem like a violent, meaningless cacophony, subconsciously your husband is conveying complex emotions – for example, seeking your approval by attempting to connect with you on a new level, though mayhem may seem a curious choice.

Indications are that we’ll need to perform a surgical procedure to unblock your husband’s windpipe known as a colonoscopy. No, wait! Make that a throatoscopy. We’ll make an opening through your husband’s neck into his breathing tube that allows air to flow in and out of his lungs without having to pass through his clogged up nose and throat. The gaping neck hole won’t be noticeable if he wears an ascot or a nice-looking turtleneck.

Remember that snoring results when a deviated nasal septum diverts the air flow through the middle ear. This produces such sounds as a chicken bone passing through a garbage disposal. It can be accompanied by the passing of gas and relationship disharmony – in which case, call your plumber.

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