This Just In

At last! Nail polish for your face!

(Note: Dr. Fred is an unlicensed cosmetologist and would-be dermatologist who did sleep at a Holiday Inn last night).

Good news! You don’t have to look that way! If you’re growing old waiting for your antiwrinkle cream to kick in, turn back the clock with Dr. Fred’s revolutionary anti-aging silver bullet wrinkle corrector, Vaseline. No! Not Vaseline. Make that my synergistically, oxidative, deep-penetrating, face defender that I’ve trade named Veneer PM.

It’s true. Veneer PM contains the powerful enzyme, XYZ, which simultaneously whitens your teeth. Most important, Veneer PM comes with a no-mess pump dispenser not offered by imitators. Our pump has been voted pump of the year and is rated number one by Pump World magazine as the most pleasurable pump to pump. Where was I?

If your date is tonight, smear a teaspoonful on a Rye Crisp.

On yes! This breakthrough cream makes wrinkles disappear by smearing it on your mirror. No! I mean smear it on your fingertips. Then gently rub it onto only one side of your face. Wait 60 seconds and then look at yourself in the mirror. You will be utterly amazed. One side of your face will look 20 years younger. How can this be, you’ll ask. How should I know?

According to my label, the secret is the potion’s remarkable skin shrinkage capability. (Extended use has been known to cause smaller heads. ) Let Veneer PM decrease your creases. No more keeping your cosmetologist on speed dial. No more expensive skin peels. You’ll be mistaken for your daughter in no time. If you don’t have a daughter, how about a perfect stranger? Double the applications and enjoy the new you in 48 hours! Or if your date is tonight, try taking it internally — maybe smear a teaspoonful on a Rye Crisp.

My repair and rescue gel has been clinically proven in the clinic above my garage. It attacks the little understood cause of wrinkles, which is an interaction between the epidermis and the dermis that impedes the duodermis from its interface with the biodermis, thus usurping the hypodermis to cause the droopadermis. Where was I?

Cosmetologist Journal rates Veneer PM the most dramatic cosmetic breakthrough since the Geisha facial, a Japanese procedure done with bird poop. (Possible downside: first having to scrape some off your windshield.) Veneer PM is not available in spas, salons, or dermatology centers, but could turn up in a vending machine. Actually, I’m unsure where to get it myself, but there were a couple of jars around here last week.

Dr. Fred’s new skin-deep rejuvenating ointment has revolutionized cosmetology, thanks to its top-secret ingredients. (Epsom salts, beeswax, sea weed, and wild yam extract, but don’t tell anybody). Results include enhanced skin vibrancy, minimized puffiness, and frozen face. No, not frozen face! Make that, “reduces stubborn surface imperfections such as brown spots, red spots, also mint green and lilac, but not marigold orange or lagoon blue.” Note: Heavy application camouflages nose warts, but has no noticeable effect on zucchini nose.

My rejuvenating ointment has revolutionized cosmetology.

Veneer PM side effects can include enlarged face, fleshy snout, slurred speech, and, now and then, eyebrow fungus. Women who have become pregnant while wearing the cream — no, make that pregnant women who wear the cream — have experienced short-term discomforts including swimmer’s itch. In rare instances, the application has drawn flies.

Also added to my age-defying product line is Dr. Fred’s face lift in a bottle. Among the ingredients: two ounces of vodka, one ounce of Grand Marnier, and one ounce of tequila mixed with Hollandaise sauce and rooster comb extract. The brand name: Elixir Doodle Do. Drinking it doesn’t make your wrinkles go away, but you stop noticing.

The third product in the Dr. Fred collection of rejuvenating potions is varnish. No! Make that Dr. Fred’s skin gloss, a coating that conceals wrinkles and other imperfections for up to six months via its unique, lamination-like effect. (Think face mask.) Simply select the expression you’ll be satisfied wearing for six months until the coating wears off. Think of it as nail polish for the face. Results also have attracted the interest of taxidermists.

Should any of these products fail to bring desired results, I recommend you install a chinning bar and hang upside down, reversing the pull of gravity, so that those sagging jowls end up where they came from. Three-hour long suspensions nine or ten times per day should do it.

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Fred Gehrung is a freelance writer who lives in the Marina. Fred has written features and humor for newspapers, including the Chicago Tribune, USA Today, The Boston Globe, and The New York Times. E-mail: [email protected]

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